Stepmom, you are seen.
As a child, I imagined I’d grow up to marry and have children. I thought I’d be present for my kids’ milestones and accomplishments, as my parents had been for mine. I’d do my best to be involved in the PTA and make it to their soccer games. Perhaps I’d even make a scrapbook to commemorate every school year.
As an adult, I married an amazing man who has two wonderful children from a previous marriage. I wasn’t present for the first five years of their lives and I don’t know what their first words were. Not every school event is communicated to our household. We don’t get to be together on Mother’s Day. God’s plans are good, but they are not always as we expect.
This isn’t how I thought my motherhood experience would begin, though it has been mostly wonderful (don’t ask me about that one asparagus incident). I’m lucky to have a few college friends and relatives navigating blended family life, while Facebook has a plethora of support groups specifically for step-parents.
But I don’t always find support within the community of believers.
In the larger Church sphere, there are Christians who won’t associate with me because they consider it a sin for me to have married a divorced man. When I recently asked a large group of Christian women from diverse backgrounds how their local congregations specifically minister to family situations such as mine, the general consensus was they maybe have single-mom specific activities. One woman told me they have a thriving addiction recovery group, as if it was relevant. Very few Bible studies on parenting are specifically for blended families, and even fewer are written broadly enough for groups that include a variety of family situations.
Our local congregation has a strong emphasis on family-oriented programming, but the nuclear family imagined by leaders is frequently a more traditionally-conceived one. Events rarely fall during our time-sharing. I don’t share the same theological beliefs as my kids’ birth mom, and consequently have to be incredibly careful when navigating doctrine conversations. The divorce order actually specifies a denomination the kids aren’t to be raised in. Before we were married, my husband struggled to attend men’s events because there was almost never childcare provided for them.
Don’t get me wrong: Our family is loved and there are dozens of people who have communicated they want to help and support us in any way possible. And while I don’t always agree with my children’s birth mom, I don’t have any fears of her doing drugs or having a crazy boyfriend. But we don’t have a strong local support system of people who are also in a blended family environment and fully understand the challenges and nuances that come from co-parenting with a second household, never mind ones who understand doing so from a Christ-centered perspective.
I frequently find myself on the margins because I’m not living the so-called-normal mom life as conceived by many in the Body of Christ.
Perhaps you’re in a similar situation as mine. Or maybe you’re not, but you can relate to the idea that your family situation isn’t the same as what most Christians think of, and consequently the feeling of unbelonging that can accompany it.
When I feel most isolated, I turn to scripture and remember another mom in a non-traditional role. Hagar became a mother because of the choices of a different couple, and had no say in the situation. And then, she and her child were socially considered lesser and left to the whim of the first wife. Even today, many teachers tell this story and portray Hagar as seducing adultress, rather than a victim of sex/human trafficking dependent upon the mercy of her abusers.
Beginning in Genesis 16, we’re introduced to Hagar, a slave belonging to Abram’s wife Sarai. Because they had no child, Sarai brings an idea to Abram, and they decide that he will sleep with Hagar in the hopes of producing an heir. Hagar has no say in this — it’s rape — and she becomes a mother because of the choices of others. When Hagar becomes pregnant, Sarai hates her and consequently abuses her. Hagar runs away. The angel of the Lord — who in many traditions is understood to be Jesus (a christophany) — finds her and instructs her to name her child Ishmael because “‘the Lord has heard your cry of affliction’” (Genesis 16:11). Then something unusual happens: Hagar becomes the only person in the Bible to give God a name. “‘You are El-roi,’ for she said, ‘In this place, have I actually seen the one who sees me?’” (Genesis 16:13b).
We see Hagar again in Genesis 21, when Isaac is born (at this point, Abram and Sarai have been renamed Abraham and Sarah — see Genesis 17). Sarah is jealous of Ishmael and doesn’t want Isaac to be a co-heir with him, so she tells Abraham to cast out both Hagar and Ishmael. Abraham is conflicted, but ultimately does send them away when God tells Abraham to listen to Sarah, with the promise that Ishmael will also father a nation. (Sidebar: I’m incredibly grateful I don’t have to co-parent with either Sarah or Abraham). Again, the angel of the Lord finds Hagar as she wept in the wilderness and repeats the promise made earlier to Abraham: “‘Don’t be afraid, for God has heard the boy crying from the place where he is. Get up, help the boy up, and grasp his hand, for I will make him a great nation’” (Genesis 21:17b-18). But God doesn’t stop at providing and fulfilling promises; we continue reading to see that God met Hagar’s immediate physical needs and then stayed with Ishmael as he grew.
I don’t understand all the reasons why God allowed Abraham to cast out Hagar and Ishmael. However, it’s abundantly obvious that God had plans to care for them, and those promises were kept. His intentions for Hagar and her son were for good, even if her mistress’s were not. So if (or when) you find yourself feeling unnoticed, unaccepted, and on the margins, remember this: God hears your cries of affliction. God meets you in the desert when you’ve been rejected and abandoned and no matter how complex the suffering in your family, he stands as the one who will protect and provide for those he loves. God sees you. God hears you. God stays with you.
Special thanks to Jessica Eberhard for providing edits and feedback.
